This past year has been the most challenging I have ever been hit with. You all know that already, If you know me at all.....
How do I explain my current state? Why do I feel that I have to?
My Mother's cancer diagnosis, the fear and helplessness, my manager in our building smoking meth regularly and the landlord smashing into my car and then attacking me physically, my Step Father's sudden decline and now process of dying...
My fears of not being good enough are alive.
My despair that reared up after the Portland Flamenco Festival Fiasco...after I was pegged as the "one" who was causing problems who then was subsequently pegged as the person who was "responsible" for all of my friends, including my teacher being kicked out of the festival.
This event sent me to the hospital. I had a panic attack out of sheer pain. I considered suicide. My weaknesses were crushed by a circumstance that wasn't even based in reality. All because one woman decided I was somehow responsible for heinous behavior that I didn't do or say.
I came back from my holiday and got laid off. So then how do I explain how I am acting? How do I explain that I am able to still perform and paint and participate in my creative endeavors? I danced my heart out at Malaika's party on Friday. My burlesque character is born and she was received so amazingly well - I am still in shock. I felt like I was in a dream. It was incredible.
And then I reflected.
My trip to DC to see my Step Dad was deeply life changing. He was a shell of the person I remembered. He was dying, tubes, suction...beeping....everywhere. He could only mouth words. He held my hand tight and tears streamed down his face. I wish I could still be there for him.
How do I explain what that is like?
How do I explain what it was like when we went into his apartment (which was his Mother's place, she is in a hospital for alziemers)...and saw complete disaster. Mess. Dirt. Vodka bottles everywhere. This from a man who never drank.
They found him laying on the bathroom floor barely alive. The bathroom floor was third world. It was filth. It was years of ignoring and not caring. This all from a man who used to be obsessed with cleanliness. How do I explain what that feels like?
Coming home I conjured up the energy to perform for my friend Malaika's party. It brought me up and gave me energy and strength to make a room full of people laugh and smile. I did burlesque and showed my belly. I danced and pranced. It was glorious.
I managed to curate the art gallery for the Show Off Festival at the same time.
All the while coughing.
I have pneumonia now. Although, it is on the mend..thank goodness.
This past year has been tough. My memory is bad. My heart is soft. My confidence wavers between high and low.
I feel like I am not consistent or helpful or reliable. I feel like people think I am a flake and fraud. I fear being complicated and whiny.
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Then I book my "first" flamenco show...Nov 15th.
Then I book a bouffon clowning show for the LIVE BIENNIAL.
Then I work on producing the Carnival of the Arts II with my beloved Here Be Monsters. The best production company a gal could ever have!
Then The Blyss Show begins to draw interest from big producers and broadcasters.....
Then what.
Then I begin to feel afraid.
Then I feel that maybe I am not set out to do this stuff and that theatre teacher was right, "no one will ever work with you more than once". My fears about my self become huge.
In the past, when things like this would happen when I would perform, I would rejoice and feel stronger and it would last....but, now....it comes and then goes...and I feel guilt.
So how do I explain?
I can't.
All I can do is keep going and dancing and performing and being creative because I know that it is what keeps me alive. My husband's undying love, my friends' incredible support and words of wisdom...my cats purring.
All those things matter and mean more now than ever before. Thanks to all of the people who are giving me a chance to perform too...cause without you I wouldn't be having the "highs" of creative expression....
So....I keep on going and I can't, just can't explain it - sorry if I can't but....it is just the way it is.
